Wow...

Yikes.  Just when you thought that friends were friends.

I know it was probably because she was exhausted.  I don't envy my friend.  I actually dropped out of the particular program she is doing because it was simply too much for me.  Teaching a full day of classes without a planning period, having to do lesson plans and grading for said classes and then having three evening classes during the week to do school work for...that's a lot.  So she was probably exhausted and irritated in class which caused her sniping.  But that is enough justification.  My feelings were still very hurt.

My friend is quite overweight and very obviously enjoys food.  She came to class last night with a massive Chipotle burrito that turned my stomach into knots and both made me want to vomit and snatch it out of her hands when I saw it and smelled it.  The first thing she said to me, before hello or how are you, was "I don't see how you starve yourself.  I went the whole day without eating today and I wanted to kill myself before I got this burrito."

This is from someone who I had once confessed that I had EDNOS.  Yeah.  Ouch.  Okay, whatever, i dismissed it.

When class was ending, she seriously looked like she was going to fall asleep on the way home because she was so exhausted.  Concerned, I decided to say something nice to her because, you know, I thought we were friends.  So as I was leaving, I told her "Hey, sweetie,  I know you have a lot of work to do tonight, but please try to get some sleep."  Her response?  A very sarcastic, "Yeah?  And you try eating, okay?"

Wow.  Just...wow.  Knife, gut, twist.

Sorry, in the future I won't give a shit whether or not you fall asleep on the road and crash your car.  I don't generally care if someone expresses concern whether or not I eat, but when you say it sarcastically, and then couple it with an equally sarcastic, shit-eating grin, it makes me want to hurl a chair at your face, regardless of whether or not you're my friend.  It's that kind of thing that frustrates me because people don't realize that this is a disease, not a decision.  It is an emotional disorder.  That is why it's called an eating disorder!  I'm not simply dieting to lose weight.  It really annoys me that people think I want to starve myself to the point that my bowels are twisted and don't function.  That I want to starve myself to the point that I am failing my masters degree when I used to be a straight-A student.  That I am afraid of food and have panic attacks when confronted with it.  That, when I somehow convince myself to eat three meals, however small, I end up purging the third so hard that my throat still hurts the next day because I can't stand the thought of the calories staying in my body.  I hate that people think I make a choice to be that way.

If I had a choice in the matter, I would choose to walk back into therapy and tell someone to fix me.  I would tell them to change my attitude about food and teach me how to eat healthily.  I would tell them to teach me how to go out with friends and not surreptitiously stare jealously at their plates of French fries.  I would tell them to teach me how not to add up every single calorie that goes into my mouth, and how to be happy with my curves instead compulsively counting my ribs every night before I go to bed and every morning right after I wake up.

Maybe I'm being overly-sensitive and what she said should not have upset me so much.  Maybe I shouldn't be crying as I type this.  But really, all I want to say right now is fuck her, and fuck people.  Ugh.