Purge

Wow.  Yesterday was horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  And I feel horrible today as a result.

Yesterday was a purge day.  Purging in every sense of the word.

I've gained two pounds.  From eating more than I usually have.  Maybe up to 500 calories a day.  What a disgusting blob.  I absolutely hate myself.

Yesterday I started out by eating two egg whites with my usual reduced sugar ketchup/hot sauce combination (40 calories).  Then of course I had to top it off by eating a slice of the pumpkin bread that I made.  It was super healthy pumpkin bread made without oil or sugar and with whole wheat bread, but still... (60 cals).  I purged it back up before going to the gym.  During my first serious bout with EDNOS, most of my purging came from exercise.  That came back full force yesterday.  I spent an hour and a half on the cross trainer, went for five miles and burned almost 500 calories.  I thought that would be good enough.  I would burn way more than I would eat that day and everything would get back on track, right?  Absolutely wrong.

May I just say that I think it's completely unfair that the lighter you are, the more difficult it is to burn calories?  Unfair.

When I got back from the gym, I was hungry.  So instead of being strong, I had a slice of bread (35 cals),  half a serving of potato chips (60cals), and three tortilla chips (60 cals).  What is wrong with me?  Back to the bathroom to purge before I took a shower.

Anyway, I had to go out to lunch for a friend's birthday and of course we went to a Mexican restaurant.  Is there anything healthy to eat at a Mexican restaurant?  The answer is no.  I went for the healthiest thing on the menu which was the vegetable fajitas, ordered it without cheese, sour cream or guacamole.  But still, the vegetables were swimming in oil and grease...disgusting.  Instead of eating the flour tortillas, I used them to soak the grease off of the vegetables before eating them with lettuce.  Still, I could just feel the grease congealing in my body...back to the bathroom.  Purge number three for the day.  Number of calories consumed at lunch?  I have absolutely no idea.

Stopped at the mall on my way down to work to return a sweater because I have the shoulders of a linebacker.  But I did buy a size 2 pair of jeans.  I am now down from the size 10 that I was back in July.  How do I celebrate?  By buying candy corn from Target.  Yes, really fucking brilliant of me.  Two servings of candy corn in the car on the way down to work (300 cals) and then a sprint to the bathroom to get rid of it as soon as I get to work.  Ineffective, I know, as sugar is one of the first things absorbed by the body.  Purge number four.  My throat is on fire at this point and my stomach is one enormous cramp. I am hating myself and I am at a foul mood at work.  I claim feeling sick to my stomach and garner everyone's sympathy.

Dinner is two portabella mushrooms with hot sauce that burns on the way down my raw throat (50 cals) and I am satisfied until I hit the 8:30 point in the evening.  This is always the worst as I still have an our and a half left in my shift and I get "hungry."  There is a vending machine down the hall.  I walk to it because I am a disgusting, fat blob.  I buy a bag of baked Lays.  I eat the baked Lays (120 cals).  AT this point I absolutely hate myself, but cannot bring myself to purge for a fifth time in fear that I will bring up blood the way that I did last week.  By the time I get home, my stomach is in a knot and I want to do nothing but lay in bed and cut until my sheets are stained with red.  Instead I put my exercise clothes on and go into the basement and do an hour of Tae Bo.  I burn 600 calories, drink senna tea, and finally stumble into bed at 12:30.  I have to be up and out of bed at 5:30 to return to work this morning and now I just feel drained spiritually and physically.  So far all I have eaten are three bran crispbreads, (36 cals), one with a tablespoon of PB2 (25cals).  All I will have for the rest of the day is a salad (30 cals the way I make mine up) and the other two crispbreads I packed (24 cals).  I will walk up and down stairs while I wait for my afternoon work meeting.  I will get rid of these two pounds and begin losing again.  I will not go over 200 calories again.  I will clean myself out.

I am pathetic.