And Scene

I reached my second goal weight.  Hooray.  I feel more disgusting and fatter at this weight than I did at my first goal weight.  In fact, I actually had a nightmare and a miniature breakdown because I thought I saw more fat on my belly and on my sides and had sworn that I was gaining weight.  I was terrified to weigh myself and made sure to drink some senna tea for two nights and eat lots of the crispbread crackers before I even dared step on the scale to make sure that my system was completely cleaned out and I wouldn't be carrying around any extra weight.  But there it is.  As a "reward," and to get people off of my back, yesterday was my reward day where I didn't count calories as strictly as I have been.  I've been doing the ABC diet for the last couple of weeks, but I took a break (I don't consider it a cheat) and allowed myself to eat 700 calories yesterday.  I even allowed myself to eat two slices of multigrain bread, and made sure that there were people around to see me eating it so that they would finally get off my back about my eating habits.

I got a...lecture would be too strong a word, I guess, but a talk from my boyfriend the other night about being too skinny.  I guess a talk would be too strong of a word as well.  He expressed his concern about my weight and said that he was worried about me.  Still, he likes fuller-figured girls, so I would say that his opinion is slightly skewed.  I asked him if I was so skinny that he would stop sleeping with me and his response was "Oh, God, no!" so that's that!

I have ben purging a lot more lately.  I can't stand the thought of dinner in my stomach.  It just sits there like a weight, even if I am under my calorie count for the day.  I hate it.  My ED started with purging, even though it evolved into more anorexia-leaning EDNOS.  I have gotten good at being able to purge very quickly in a public bathroom and then returning to the dinner table if I am out to dinner with my friends and no one knows what's going on.  I'm not sure if that's something I should be proud of.  It's not, actually.  It's disgusting, but I can't stop  I know y mind, that this disease, is writing a check that my body cannot cash, and I'm causing more damage to myself even more quickly, but...

Well, here's to my next goal weight.  Let's see if I can't convince my friends and family that I've stopped losing weight for the time being.