Rant

I am SO unbelievably disappointed in myself.  Yesterday started out all right enough, I suppose.  I was planning on eating a little bit less than the usual 200 calories that I usually eat.  I didn't have breakfast and for lunch I just had my shirataki noodles (0 cals) with some sugar-free spaghetti sauce (35 cals).  I was feeling a little bit light-headed so I had a piece of bread (35 cals) with some wonderful PB2 that I just picked up yesterday(45 cals).  115 calories so far, right?  This was when I should have left the house, done some cleaning, or something.  But I had so much homework due for class tomorrow that I had to get done, and I really wanted to dedicate myself to it.

I lost control.  I couldn't stop myself from eating.  Study munches?  Gross.

Arctic Zero ice cream (32 calories), two cups of air-popped popcorn (60 calories), and then came the pièce de resistance: French fries.  French fries have always been my foible, but since my relapse I haven't touched them.  It's my own weakness, but I blame my family for bring disgusting food to the house.  My dad brought home Fatburger yesterday for my mom, little brother and himself, and brought home extra fries to try to entice me to eat.  I kept wandering into the house to snag one, and then would leave them alone.  But I couldn't stop myself from wandering in to grab another one, and then another one.  Before I knew it, i had finished off the entire sleeve of them.  Ugh, how disgusting am I to have eaten all of those French fries?  That brought my intake up to 500 calories for the day when I had intended to eat less than 200.


I know that doesn't really qualify as a binge, but I feel disgusting nonetheless.  I went to the gym today for punishment and made myself work off at least the amount of calories that were in the French fries.  I also cut last night.  I don't like it, I'm ashamed that I do it, but on days that I exceed my calorie intake by that much, I do it.  It' sa reminder nto to do it again, that I don't want to continue to be grossly overweight.  I cut on my hip bone so that whenever the cuts rub up against my jeans when I walk, it reminds me not to eat, it reminds me to stay below 200 calories, and it reminds me that I need to lose weight.  I would never, ever recommend cutting to anyone, and I know that if I found out that any of my friends were cutting, Ana or not, I would beg them to stop.  But it's just something that I have to do...When I get to that point, it's like I need to do it to keep myself from splitting apart.  I have to do it to keep breathing.  I'm a mess.


But my family...I'm living in a poisonous environment and not by choice.  I don't want to be 25 and living at home with my parents.  Who on earth does?  But I am working on my second masters' degree and with health insurance payments, car payments, car insurance payments, credit car payments, student loan payments, and only being able to work 30 hours a week on top of attending classes, there simply isn't enough money to be able to afford my own place.  When I start student teaching, the inflow of money will decrease even more because I will have to stop working.  But my family is so fucking unhealthy, it really blows my mind.  Here is what their BMIs are.  The numbers will blow your mind:


Mom: 43
Dad: 29
Little brother: 41


And yet they are content to eat 1000-calorie burgers and French fries until they feel sick.  They know that they are dangerously obese and yet they continue to bring cakes and cookies and chips and crap into the house and it's disgusting.  And yet when they mock me when I exercise twice a day or eat a salad or asparagus or decline to eat French fries.  They MOCK me while they are slowly killing themselves.  They are even making my dog obese by feeding her too many snacks while I'm not at home and saying that I'm a mean mother because I don't overfeed her when I'm at home.  It frustrates me to no end.  How am I supposed to lose weight in such a household.  Even if I didn't want to lose weight, how would I maintain a healthy weight in such a household?  I feel like I gain weight just sitting in the same room with them, breathing the same air as them.  I love them all to death, but I also feel like I am slowly starting to hate them...

Please, someone help.