Hello

So this is my first blog post.  I wanted to start a blog so I could have a place to write about what I can't talk about with my friends.  They don't understand my "dieting" and what I have to do to get back to a weight where I am happy with myself.

In 2006 when I was diagnosed with EDNOS, I reached an all-time low weight of 120 pounds and it was wonderful.  I was a size four and I felt so thin and light and free.  I was like everyone else around me, not the fat cow who ate too much and whom people pitied for not having a boyfriend because she was just too tragically overweight.

When I moved to Scotland for graduate school, I made a great set of friends from around the world.  Unfortunately, we also ate a lot of great food and drank too much.  I gained about thirty pounds and could no longer fir into any of my clothes.  This devastated me.  To walk around as the fat pig again, to be uncomfortable in my own skin again, set me again into depression that I am still struggling with.  I had to do something about it.

I'm now in my second masters program and I have finally found the willpower in my again to get myself back on track and stop eating like a disgusting pig.  I finally have control over my eating again and I have stopped putting poison in my life.  No more French fries and potato chips and processed foods.   I have lost twenty pounds already and I am ten pounds away from my first goal weight of 120 pounds.  I would like to be 115.  I want to make it there.  I don't know if I can, but I want to be.

I eat 200 calories a day.  Or at least I try to.  Sometimes it's a little bit over, sometimes it's a little bit under.  I have been home a lot (too much, gosh, my family is irritating me, but that is another story) this weekend and that makes it hard to be as strict.  There have been a couple of days where I went over 300 calories.  Fortunately, all this weekend I have exercised at least twice a day so I am still burning off everything that I eat, if not more.  I am still afraid to get on the scale.  I feel like a bloated cow for eating all that I have and going over my 200-calorie limit.

Tomorrow I am going to start a 48-hour fruit juice cleanse.  I am a little bit worried because the fruit juices will likely add up to more calories than I have been eating for the last two months, but maybe it will help to flush my system.  I was also thinking perhaps of buying that huge bottle of that detox solution called the Hollywood Diet or whatever that they sell in Giant.  Anything to flush  my system of the crap I've put it through this weekend.

Wish me luck!