Between caring for my dog who had surgery on Friday, I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house. This week has been...tough to say the least, and I have not been myself. I have been depressed since eighth grade, was diagnosed officially at seventeen and still continue to struggle with it, especially when I relapse with the ED. I am also an insomniac, and the combination of depression, eating things I know I shouldn't have eaten, cutting, and not sleeping is a fairly dangerous one. Lately, when I am up in the middle of the night, knowing that I have to be at work at 8 in the morning and yet stil being completely unable to go to sleep, I have started to have suicidal thoughts. Thoughts such as well, I'm running out of places to cut...I can't do this anymore...but there is still room on my wrists.
To carry this from the night to the day and still have to act as though you are normal is a great strain and I really just couldn't handle it anymore. I cracked and told my boyfriend what was going through my head. We've been friends for a couple of years, but have only been dating for two months or so, so I was afraid that he would look at me like I was a freak, but it was the complete opposite. He told me he wished that I could see what he saw about me, and told me all of the things that he liked me about me, what set me apart from all of the other girls he dated. Wow... Of course he wants me to talk to someone, but he also said that I should do it on my own time and he wouldn't push me and I sincerely appreciate that. I felt much better after spending the weekend with him, like I could put up with another week of life's crap.
But when I was at home taking care of my dog, I had to be around my family. Maybe it's the ED that is making me irritable again (my irritability the last time I was down with it was unreal...), but it's just bad all around. My grandmother is staying because we're having that party for my little brother's birthday, and I was grilling myself some eggplant for dinner. I guess I had the audacity to go back and get one too many slices of eggplant. I had six altogether, so about 60 calories or so, but I like to take two at a time so that I feel fuller faster and don't stuf myself in one sitting. But when I was going back one trip, my grandmother said "Wow, you must really like your own cooking. You keep going back for more and more food!"
Yikes...
If I hadn't already taken my birth control pill, I would have thrown up everything that I had eaten thus far. But I have no intention of getting pregnant and thus couldn't risk throwing up that pil.. I was so upset and disgusted though. I mean...six slices of grilled eggplant...Vegetables! I felt so torn down...I hate when people comment on what I eat. Absolutely hate it.
But on the bright side, I weighed myself on my friend Joe's scale just for shiggles. I did n't think it would be very good since I thought I overate the last couple of days, but it actually said I was two pounds less than what my scale said. Instant mood boost. It may have made me unreasonably happy.
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