Yesterday two people told me that they were concerned about me. One was my mother when she saw that I was down another jean size and I was wearing them without any muffin top. However, I take her concern with a grain of salt as she rolls her eyes every time I grill vegetables instead of frying them, or make my own egg drop soup at home instead of indulging in a calorie-laden Chinese food meal with the rest of my obese family.
My friend Ashleigh saw me for the first time in two weeks and remarked on how thin I had gotten. But really, thinner and thin are not the same thing. I may have gotten thinner, but I am not yet thin and therefore I need to keep up my dedication.
This section contains a bit of TMI, so you can skip over it if you would like...
I am sure we all have those moments where we think "Okay, that's enough. I need to stop because I am really hurting my body." Last monday I had diarrhea all day. To the point where I couldn't leave the bathroom because I had to use the toilet every ten minutes. After that, I did not use the bathroom at all. I literally could not have a movement. I decided to use a laxative on Saturday to try to get things moving and...it didn't work. At all. This has never happened to me before. All it did was make me bloated. My stomach was swollen with gas and I felt horrible. By this Monday I still hadn't had a bowel movement and it had gotten to the point where I was so bloated that I was throwing up food just because my bowels weren't moving at all. I felt absolutely awful at work and kept running to the bathroom to dry-heave so I ended up leaving work early just to go home and have a lie-down. I was feeling sluggish and absolutely fatigued anyway. That night I had a handful of prunes and took some milk of magnesia and yesterday I finally, finally was able to go. It wasn't very much and today I am still bloated and very gassy, but it isn't as dire as it was. My stomach was so distended this past week that my liver was actually hurting and yesterday and today I was having chest pains (although for the chest pains...I like to run my fingers over the ribs on my chest since they are showing now and I love it...maybe that's where the pains came from?)
From the natural market today, I bought this crispbread that my mom and I saw on Dr. Oz. One cracker has 12 calories and 5 grams of dietary fiber. So if I eat four crackers, I can satisfy 80% of my daily fiber intake and all of that for only 48 calories. I had some today and those crackers are FILLING. I only ate two and my stomach felt like it was going to explode because I was so full. I also bought some Chocolate Senna tea as well to use on occasion, but I don't want to get into the habit of using that because I know that it will only compound the problem.
In other news, I am only six pounds away from my second goal weight. I am going to start the ABC diet on Saturday. I was concerned about it because so many of the days on the diet have a higher calorie count than what I have been eating for the past three months, but perhaps I need it to stave off this plateau that has kind of been riding me the last two weeks. My weight loss has really slowed and I don't want it to. I can still pinch tons of fat in places where there should be none and I want it to be gone. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to be slender and beautiful.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
This past weekend was horrible. I don't even want to write about it.
Wednesday was a good day. Very good. I ate only 100 calories.
Yesterday was passable. I ate very well during the day, but had somewhat of a carb binge when I got home - A huge slice of 7-gran bread spread with chipotle southwest sauce from Subway, and then a couple of tortilla chips. I haven't gained any weight so far, though, so maybe my body just needed the fuel?
Today my mom commented that I look like a stick with a big head attached to it. Thanks? I feel like a circle with a big head attached to it. I still have seven pounds to go until I get to my first goal weight and I feel like the weight just isn't coming off fast enough. I wish I had more time to go to the gym, but I simply don't. I suppose I could skip class more often to go, but I'm already probably on the cusp of failing, so that's likely not the best idea in the world.
Today for breakfast I am having coffee. I've been having the weirdest cravings lately. I usually hate coffee, but this morning I couldn't stop thinking about it, so coffee is what I am having.
I feel like lately I don't really have much energy to do anything anymore. Go to class, do my schoolwork, go to work, get out of bed, live. It's all just very draining.
Wednesday was a good day. Very good. I ate only 100 calories.
Yesterday was passable. I ate very well during the day, but had somewhat of a carb binge when I got home - A huge slice of 7-gran bread spread with chipotle southwest sauce from Subway, and then a couple of tortilla chips. I haven't gained any weight so far, though, so maybe my body just needed the fuel?
Today my mom commented that I look like a stick with a big head attached to it. Thanks? I feel like a circle with a big head attached to it. I still have seven pounds to go until I get to my first goal weight and I feel like the weight just isn't coming off fast enough. I wish I had more time to go to the gym, but I simply don't. I suppose I could skip class more often to go, but I'm already probably on the cusp of failing, so that's likely not the best idea in the world.
Today for breakfast I am having coffee. I've been having the weirdest cravings lately. I usually hate coffee, but this morning I couldn't stop thinking about it, so coffee is what I am having.
I feel like lately I don't really have much energy to do anything anymore. Go to class, do my schoolwork, go to work, get out of bed, live. It's all just very draining.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Words hurt...words heal
Between caring for my dog who had surgery on Friday, I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house. This week has been...tough to say the least, and I have not been myself. I have been depressed since eighth grade, was diagnosed officially at seventeen and still continue to struggle with it, especially when I relapse with the ED. I am also an insomniac, and the combination of depression, eating things I know I shouldn't have eaten, cutting, and not sleeping is a fairly dangerous one. Lately, when I am up in the middle of the night, knowing that I have to be at work at 8 in the morning and yet stil being completely unable to go to sleep, I have started to have suicidal thoughts. Thoughts such as well, I'm running out of places to cut...I can't do this anymore...but there is still room on my wrists.
To carry this from the night to the day and still have to act as though you are normal is a great strain and I really just couldn't handle it anymore. I cracked and told my boyfriend what was going through my head. We've been friends for a couple of years, but have only been dating for two months or so, so I was afraid that he would look at me like I was a freak, but it was the complete opposite. He told me he wished that I could see what he saw about me, and told me all of the things that he liked me about me, what set me apart from all of the other girls he dated. Wow... Of course he wants me to talk to someone, but he also said that I should do it on my own time and he wouldn't push me and I sincerely appreciate that. I felt much better after spending the weekend with him, like I could put up with another week of life's crap.
But when I was at home taking care of my dog, I had to be around my family. Maybe it's the ED that is making me irritable again (my irritability the last time I was down with it was unreal...), but it's just bad all around. My grandmother is staying because we're having that party for my little brother's birthday, and I was grilling myself some eggplant for dinner. I guess I had the audacity to go back and get one too many slices of eggplant. I had six altogether, so about 60 calories or so, but I like to take two at a time so that I feel fuller faster and don't stuf myself in one sitting. But when I was going back one trip, my grandmother said "Wow, you must really like your own cooking. You keep going back for more and more food!"
Yikes...
If I hadn't already taken my birth control pill, I would have thrown up everything that I had eaten thus far. But I have no intention of getting pregnant and thus couldn't risk throwing up that pil.. I was so upset and disgusted though. I mean...six slices of grilled eggplant...Vegetables! I felt so torn down...I hate when people comment on what I eat. Absolutely hate it.
But on the bright side, I weighed myself on my friend Joe's scale just for shiggles. I did n't think it would be very good since I thought I overate the last couple of days, but it actually said I was two pounds less than what my scale said. Instant mood boost. It may have made me unreasonably happy.
To carry this from the night to the day and still have to act as though you are normal is a great strain and I really just couldn't handle it anymore. I cracked and told my boyfriend what was going through my head. We've been friends for a couple of years, but have only been dating for two months or so, so I was afraid that he would look at me like I was a freak, but it was the complete opposite. He told me he wished that I could see what he saw about me, and told me all of the things that he liked me about me, what set me apart from all of the other girls he dated. Wow... Of course he wants me to talk to someone, but he also said that I should do it on my own time and he wouldn't push me and I sincerely appreciate that. I felt much better after spending the weekend with him, like I could put up with another week of life's crap.
But when I was at home taking care of my dog, I had to be around my family. Maybe it's the ED that is making me irritable again (my irritability the last time I was down with it was unreal...), but it's just bad all around. My grandmother is staying because we're having that party for my little brother's birthday, and I was grilling myself some eggplant for dinner. I guess I had the audacity to go back and get one too many slices of eggplant. I had six altogether, so about 60 calories or so, but I like to take two at a time so that I feel fuller faster and don't stuf myself in one sitting. But when I was going back one trip, my grandmother said "Wow, you must really like your own cooking. You keep going back for more and more food!"
Yikes...
If I hadn't already taken my birth control pill, I would have thrown up everything that I had eaten thus far. But I have no intention of getting pregnant and thus couldn't risk throwing up that pil.. I was so upset and disgusted though. I mean...six slices of grilled eggplant...Vegetables! I felt so torn down...I hate when people comment on what I eat. Absolutely hate it.
But on the bright side, I weighed myself on my friend Joe's scale just for shiggles. I did n't think it would be very good since I thought I overate the last couple of days, but it actually said I was two pounds less than what my scale said. Instant mood boost. It may have made me unreasonably happy.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Today, I have decided, will be a "splurge" day.
My little brother is turning 18 and my family is going to be ordering out (of course) to celebrate. The real problem will be on Sunday when all of our extended family will be coming over to celebrate. My family is ordering Subway subs and possibly grilling. Of course there will be cake and ice cream. I'm already panicking at the thought of being around all of that food. I'm worried that I will be weak and start eating everything that is there. I don't believe that the Subway subs will be that much of a problem as I can always get rid of the top slice of bread and eat an open-faced sandwich. I've been a vegetarian for the last six years, so one of those sandwiches for me will only be around 100-calories. I can grab myself some Arctic Zero ice cream and have a half-cup of that which will be 45 calories... I'll have that instead of cake which will satisfy my sweet craving. And if that isn't enough food, I will have a Smart Dog (a tofu dog with 45 calories) or a bowl of Shirataki. Okay, so it may not be that bad. But anyway, I digress.
I think that today will be a little bit of a splurge day. My family is probably going to be ordering out Mexican food from a really good Mexican restaurant near our house. I haven't eaten there in years, but I remember that it is delicious. I'm not going to be eating from there; absolutely not. I can't imagine how many calories just one of their dishes has. It actually makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it (by the way, I have been throwing up unintentionally and having very bad diarrhea for the last week. Gross, I know, but does anyone else have that problem?). Instead, as to not miss out on the Mexican food experience, I will stop at Chipotle on the way home.
Chipotle, I have found, can be one of the healthiest fast food restaurants if you know exactly what to get. It helps that I am a vegetarian and I can skip out on a lot of the fattening things that one can get there. I don't get the burrito, I get the bowl which skips on a lot of calories. Here is what I do: I ask for the bowl, get the delicious cilantro-lime rice which drives me wild. No beans whatsoever, ask for extra veggies to fill me up. Green tomatillo salsa and lots of extra lettuce. If I want something that is extra spicy, I ask for the red salsa as well. I love spicy food and it fills me up that much quicker. For the entire bowl, it is something around 170 calories, and usually I only eat half because I am stuffed to the gills by the time I get to that point. Wow! 85 calories of delicious Mexican food? Yes please! So I am fasting today so that I can splurge and eat the entire bowl so I can celebrate with my family. I may even put some fat-free sour cream on it just for fun. Wow, that may actually push it up to 190 calories. Still under my 200-calorie limit for the day, and I probably won't even be able to finish the entire thing. My stomach just isn't that big anymore. Also, here is the nutrition calculator I used to figure out the calories in Chipotle, although they have the nutrition information posted on their website as well (finally!): http://chipotlefan.com/index.php?id=nutrition_calculator
So as long as I don't break my fast for today and cheat like a complete idiot, I don't think that I will be too upset with myself. And I don't think that I will cheat today. I'm at work until 2:30 and I don't like to eat at work because there are too many people there and I hate eating in front of large groups of people. Then I have class from 3:00-4:15, and then back to work for a meeting from 5-5:30. Then it's just the drive home and some little errands before dinner. I love busy days because there are so many things to keep me busy and distract me from food. It's the weekends that are killer.
My little brother is turning 18 and my family is going to be ordering out (of course) to celebrate. The real problem will be on Sunday when all of our extended family will be coming over to celebrate. My family is ordering Subway subs and possibly grilling. Of course there will be cake and ice cream. I'm already panicking at the thought of being around all of that food. I'm worried that I will be weak and start eating everything that is there. I don't believe that the Subway subs will be that much of a problem as I can always get rid of the top slice of bread and eat an open-faced sandwich. I've been a vegetarian for the last six years, so one of those sandwiches for me will only be around 100-calories. I can grab myself some Arctic Zero ice cream and have a half-cup of that which will be 45 calories... I'll have that instead of cake which will satisfy my sweet craving. And if that isn't enough food, I will have a Smart Dog (a tofu dog with 45 calories) or a bowl of Shirataki. Okay, so it may not be that bad. But anyway, I digress.
I think that today will be a little bit of a splurge day. My family is probably going to be ordering out Mexican food from a really good Mexican restaurant near our house. I haven't eaten there in years, but I remember that it is delicious. I'm not going to be eating from there; absolutely not. I can't imagine how many calories just one of their dishes has. It actually makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it (by the way, I have been throwing up unintentionally and having very bad diarrhea for the last week. Gross, I know, but does anyone else have that problem?). Instead, as to not miss out on the Mexican food experience, I will stop at Chipotle on the way home.
Chipotle, I have found, can be one of the healthiest fast food restaurants if you know exactly what to get. It helps that I am a vegetarian and I can skip out on a lot of the fattening things that one can get there. I don't get the burrito, I get the bowl which skips on a lot of calories. Here is what I do: I ask for the bowl, get the delicious cilantro-lime rice which drives me wild. No beans whatsoever, ask for extra veggies to fill me up. Green tomatillo salsa and lots of extra lettuce. If I want something that is extra spicy, I ask for the red salsa as well. I love spicy food and it fills me up that much quicker. For the entire bowl, it is something around 170 calories, and usually I only eat half because I am stuffed to the gills by the time I get to that point. Wow! 85 calories of delicious Mexican food? Yes please! So I am fasting today so that I can splurge and eat the entire bowl so I can celebrate with my family. I may even put some fat-free sour cream on it just for fun. Wow, that may actually push it up to 190 calories. Still under my 200-calorie limit for the day, and I probably won't even be able to finish the entire thing. My stomach just isn't that big anymore. Also, here is the nutrition calculator I used to figure out the calories in Chipotle, although they have the nutrition information posted on their website as well (finally!): http://chipotlefan.com/index.php?id=nutrition_calculator
So as long as I don't break my fast for today and cheat like a complete idiot, I don't think that I will be too upset with myself. And I don't think that I will cheat today. I'm at work until 2:30 and I don't like to eat at work because there are too many people there and I hate eating in front of large groups of people. Then I have class from 3:00-4:15, and then back to work for a meeting from 5-5:30. Then it's just the drive home and some little errands before dinner. I love busy days because there are so many things to keep me busy and distract me from food. It's the weekends that are killer.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Rant
I am SO unbelievably disappointed in myself. Yesterday started out all right enough, I suppose. I was planning on eating a little bit less than the usual 200 calories that I usually eat. I didn't have breakfast and for lunch I just had my shirataki noodles (0 cals) with some sugar-free spaghetti sauce (35 cals). I was feeling a little bit light-headed so I had a piece of bread (35 cals) with some wonderful PB2 that I just picked up yesterday(45 cals). 115 calories so far, right? This was when I should have left the house, done some cleaning, or something. But I had so much homework due for class tomorrow that I had to get done, and I really wanted to dedicate myself to it.
I lost control. I couldn't stop myself from eating. Study munches? Gross.
Arctic Zero ice cream (32 calories), two cups of air-popped popcorn (60 calories), and then came the pièce de resistance: French fries. French fries have always been my foible, but since my relapse I haven't touched them. It's my own weakness, but I blame my family for bring disgusting food to the house. My dad brought home Fatburger yesterday for my mom, little brother and himself, and brought home extra fries to try to entice me to eat. I kept wandering into the house to snag one, and then would leave them alone. But I couldn't stop myself from wandering in to grab another one, and then another one. Before I knew it, i had finished off the entire sleeve of them. Ugh, how disgusting am I to have eaten all of those French fries? That brought my intake up to 500 calories for the day when I had intended to eat less than 200.
I know that doesn't really qualify as a binge, but I feel disgusting nonetheless. I went to the gym today for punishment and made myself work off at least the amount of calories that were in the French fries. I also cut last night. I don't like it, I'm ashamed that I do it, but on days that I exceed my calorie intake by that much, I do it. It' sa reminder nto to do it again, that I don't want to continue to be grossly overweight. I cut on my hip bone so that whenever the cuts rub up against my jeans when I walk, it reminds me not to eat, it reminds me to stay below 200 calories, and it reminds me that I need to lose weight. I would never, ever recommend cutting to anyone, and I know that if I found out that any of my friends were cutting, Ana or not, I would beg them to stop. But it's just something that I have to do...When I get to that point, it's like I need to do it to keep myself from splitting apart. I have to do it to keep breathing. I'm a mess.
But my family...I'm living in a poisonous environment and not by choice. I don't want to be 25 and living at home with my parents. Who on earth does? But I am working on my second masters' degree and with health insurance payments, car payments, car insurance payments, credit car payments, student loan payments, and only being able to work 30 hours a week on top of attending classes, there simply isn't enough money to be able to afford my own place. When I start student teaching, the inflow of money will decrease even more because I will have to stop working. But my family is so fucking unhealthy, it really blows my mind. Here is what their BMIs are. The numbers will blow your mind:
Mom: 43
Dad: 29
Little brother: 41
And yet they are content to eat 1000-calorie burgers and French fries until they feel sick. They know that they are dangerously obese and yet they continue to bring cakes and cookies and chips and crap into the house and it's disgusting. And yet when they mock me when I exercise twice a day or eat a salad or asparagus or decline to eat French fries. They MOCK me while they are slowly killing themselves. They are even making my dog obese by feeding her too many snacks while I'm not at home and saying that I'm a mean mother because I don't overfeed her when I'm at home. It frustrates me to no end. How am I supposed to lose weight in such a household. Even if I didn't want to lose weight, how would I maintain a healthy weight in such a household? I feel like I gain weight just sitting in the same room with them, breathing the same air as them. I love them all to death, but I also feel like I am slowly starting to hate them...
Please, someone help.
I lost control. I couldn't stop myself from eating. Study munches? Gross.
Arctic Zero ice cream (32 calories), two cups of air-popped popcorn (60 calories), and then came the pièce de resistance: French fries. French fries have always been my foible, but since my relapse I haven't touched them. It's my own weakness, but I blame my family for bring disgusting food to the house. My dad brought home Fatburger yesterday for my mom, little brother and himself, and brought home extra fries to try to entice me to eat. I kept wandering into the house to snag one, and then would leave them alone. But I couldn't stop myself from wandering in to grab another one, and then another one. Before I knew it, i had finished off the entire sleeve of them. Ugh, how disgusting am I to have eaten all of those French fries? That brought my intake up to 500 calories for the day when I had intended to eat less than 200.
I know that doesn't really qualify as a binge, but I feel disgusting nonetheless. I went to the gym today for punishment and made myself work off at least the amount of calories that were in the French fries. I also cut last night. I don't like it, I'm ashamed that I do it, but on days that I exceed my calorie intake by that much, I do it. It' sa reminder nto to do it again, that I don't want to continue to be grossly overweight. I cut on my hip bone so that whenever the cuts rub up against my jeans when I walk, it reminds me not to eat, it reminds me to stay below 200 calories, and it reminds me that I need to lose weight. I would never, ever recommend cutting to anyone, and I know that if I found out that any of my friends were cutting, Ana or not, I would beg them to stop. But it's just something that I have to do...When I get to that point, it's like I need to do it to keep myself from splitting apart. I have to do it to keep breathing. I'm a mess.
But my family...I'm living in a poisonous environment and not by choice. I don't want to be 25 and living at home with my parents. Who on earth does? But I am working on my second masters' degree and with health insurance payments, car payments, car insurance payments, credit car payments, student loan payments, and only being able to work 30 hours a week on top of attending classes, there simply isn't enough money to be able to afford my own place. When I start student teaching, the inflow of money will decrease even more because I will have to stop working. But my family is so fucking unhealthy, it really blows my mind. Here is what their BMIs are. The numbers will blow your mind:
Mom: 43
Dad: 29
Little brother: 41
And yet they are content to eat 1000-calorie burgers and French fries until they feel sick. They know that they are dangerously obese and yet they continue to bring cakes and cookies and chips and crap into the house and it's disgusting. And yet when they mock me when I exercise twice a day or eat a salad or asparagus or decline to eat French fries. They MOCK me while they are slowly killing themselves. They are even making my dog obese by feeding her too many snacks while I'm not at home and saying that I'm a mean mother because I don't overfeed her when I'm at home. It frustrates me to no end. How am I supposed to lose weight in such a household. Even if I didn't want to lose weight, how would I maintain a healthy weight in such a household? I feel like I gain weight just sitting in the same room with them, breathing the same air as them. I love them all to death, but I also feel like I am slowly starting to hate them...
Please, someone help.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Success?
I fasted on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. When my willpower got too weak, i would eat, but all I would have is a salad consisting of maybe a cup and a half of lettuce and maybe just a tablespoon of fat-free dressing. I know that I lost at least one pound, but I'm afraid to get on a scale right now. Big surprise, eh?
I spent all day and last night with the boy and of course I had to eat around him. I don't think I ate anymore than 280 calories, but still, coming off of a fast, that's a LOT and I feel bloated and disgusting. One can hope that it may shock my metabolism into burning calories more quickly and thus promoting more weight loss, but knowing my metabolism, this won't actually happen. I will probably gain three pounds or something like that. The only consolation is that I was very easily able to convince him to help me "work off" some of the extra calories that I consumed.
I spent all day and last night with the boy and of course I had to eat around him. I don't think I ate anymore than 280 calories, but still, coming off of a fast, that's a LOT and I feel bloated and disgusting. One can hope that it may shock my metabolism into burning calories more quickly and thus promoting more weight loss, but knowing my metabolism, this won't actually happen. I will probably gain three pounds or something like that. The only consolation is that I was very easily able to convince him to help me "work off" some of the extra calories that I consumed.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Fuck! I forgot that I promised my old boss that I would go to lunch with him tomorrow. That's all fine and wel, but I decided that instead of doing a juice fast, that I would just do an all out fast. It's difficult to explain to people why you're not eating your food, particularly when you're having a one-on-one lunch. Now Im going to have to break my fast early. I will just have to either bring along my Shirataki noodles (0 calories, yay) or suck it up and exercise twice tomorrow.
Today I got on the scale and it freaked me out. It said that I had gained two pounds before displaying an error message. Who wants the scale to display an error message when you step on it?? I fixed the battery in the back and got on it again and it read the same as it had a week ago. That was better; I'd rather not gain any weight, but still. I haven't lost any weight in a week? That's not good either. What's going on? Next thing I know, I really will be gaining weight and I can't have that. I don't like this plateau. It just gives me more inspiration to stick to my fast.
It will be easier now that I am going to be out of the house more. I hope.
Today I got on the scale and it freaked me out. It said that I had gained two pounds before displaying an error message. Who wants the scale to display an error message when you step on it?? I fixed the battery in the back and got on it again and it read the same as it had a week ago. That was better; I'd rather not gain any weight, but still. I haven't lost any weight in a week? That's not good either. What's going on? Next thing I know, I really will be gaining weight and I can't have that. I don't like this plateau. It just gives me more inspiration to stick to my fast.
It will be easier now that I am going to be out of the house more. I hope.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Hello
So this is my first blog post. I wanted to start a blog so I could have a place to write about what I can't talk about with my friends. They don't understand my "dieting" and what I have to do to get back to a weight where I am happy with myself.
In 2006 when I was diagnosed with EDNOS, I reached an all-time low weight of 120 pounds and it was wonderful. I was a size four and I felt so thin and light and free. I was like everyone else around me, not the fat cow who ate too much and whom people pitied for not having a boyfriend because she was just too tragically overweight.
When I moved to Scotland for graduate school, I made a great set of friends from around the world. Unfortunately, we also ate a lot of great food and drank too much. I gained about thirty pounds and could no longer fir into any of my clothes. This devastated me. To walk around as the fat pig again, to be uncomfortable in my own skin again, set me again into depression that I am still struggling with. I had to do something about it.
I'm now in my second masters program and I have finally found the willpower in my again to get myself back on track and stop eating like a disgusting pig. I finally have control over my eating again and I have stopped putting poison in my life. No more French fries and potato chips and processed foods. I have lost twenty pounds already and I am ten pounds away from my first goal weight of 120 pounds. I would like to be 115. I want to make it there. I don't know if I can, but I want to be.
I eat 200 calories a day. Or at least I try to. Sometimes it's a little bit over, sometimes it's a little bit under. I have been home a lot (too much, gosh, my family is irritating me, but that is another story) this weekend and that makes it hard to be as strict. There have been a couple of days where I went over 300 calories. Fortunately, all this weekend I have exercised at least twice a day so I am still burning off everything that I eat, if not more. I am still afraid to get on the scale. I feel like a bloated cow for eating all that I have and going over my 200-calorie limit.
Tomorrow I am going to start a 48-hour fruit juice cleanse. I am a little bit worried because the fruit juices will likely add up to more calories than I have been eating for the last two months, but maybe it will help to flush my system. I was also thinking perhaps of buying that huge bottle of that detox solution called the Hollywood Diet or whatever that they sell in Giant. Anything to flush my system of the crap I've put it through this weekend.
Wish me luck!
In 2006 when I was diagnosed with EDNOS, I reached an all-time low weight of 120 pounds and it was wonderful. I was a size four and I felt so thin and light and free. I was like everyone else around me, not the fat cow who ate too much and whom people pitied for not having a boyfriend because she was just too tragically overweight.
When I moved to Scotland for graduate school, I made a great set of friends from around the world. Unfortunately, we also ate a lot of great food and drank too much. I gained about thirty pounds and could no longer fir into any of my clothes. This devastated me. To walk around as the fat pig again, to be uncomfortable in my own skin again, set me again into depression that I am still struggling with. I had to do something about it.
I'm now in my second masters program and I have finally found the willpower in my again to get myself back on track and stop eating like a disgusting pig. I finally have control over my eating again and I have stopped putting poison in my life. No more French fries and potato chips and processed foods. I have lost twenty pounds already and I am ten pounds away from my first goal weight of 120 pounds. I would like to be 115. I want to make it there. I don't know if I can, but I want to be.
I eat 200 calories a day. Or at least I try to. Sometimes it's a little bit over, sometimes it's a little bit under. I have been home a lot (too much, gosh, my family is irritating me, but that is another story) this weekend and that makes it hard to be as strict. There have been a couple of days where I went over 300 calories. Fortunately, all this weekend I have exercised at least twice a day so I am still burning off everything that I eat, if not more. I am still afraid to get on the scale. I feel like a bloated cow for eating all that I have and going over my 200-calorie limit.
Tomorrow I am going to start a 48-hour fruit juice cleanse. I am a little bit worried because the fruit juices will likely add up to more calories than I have been eating for the last two months, but maybe it will help to flush my system. I was also thinking perhaps of buying that huge bottle of that detox solution called the Hollywood Diet or whatever that they sell in Giant. Anything to flush my system of the crap I've put it through this weekend.
Wish me luck!
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