My tentative plan was to contact my university's eating disorder's clinic when winter session started in January.

I don't want to.  I know I need to because I'm getting more and more out of control, walking further and further down this dark path.  But i can't bear the thought of gaining weight, of going back to what I looked like before.  Maybe one day I'll post pictures.

This last week and a half at home, all I have done is binge and purge.  Now...my binges may not be as large as others.  I still probably stay below 2,000 or 3,000 a day with most of that ending up in the toilet.  I ended up reaching my GW3 of 110 pounds which shocked me, but my weight has been fluctuating wildly between 110 and 115 because all of the purging has made me retain water in the worst way.  Yesterday I had a moment that really scared me quite a bit when I was purging.  I had binged on a piece of biscotti, some potato chips, soem pretzels and soem bread.  All very dry.  I thought I had had enough liquid to wash it down, but apparently not.  For once stuff started coming up without my really forcing it, and it all got clogged in my throat in a big gummy mess before it came ripping out of my throat.  For a bit, it felt like I was suffocating and I honestly thought I was going to choke to death on my own vomit, or that my esophagus was going to rip open and I was going to bleed to death in my bathroom.  Afterward, my throat felt mangled and torn apart, so much so that I managed to talk myself out of a cereal binge later that night and just went to bed instead.

Today I haven't eaten.  Well, that's a lie.  I couldn't sleep last night, as has been the cas really for the last couple of days when I haven't been with my boyfriend because all I do is sit awake and count up all of the calories I have consumed, purge or not.  But I woke up and decided to make some cheddar cheese scones for my boyfriend and hairdresser because I was going to see them both today.  I 'm an amateur baker and have a little teeny tiny business going on the side as well.  Strange, eh, considering I hate eating so much.  But I ate one of the cheddar cheese scones right out of the oven, and immediately purged it up and made sure that it was completely gone because there was stomach acid that followed it. That was the only thing that I've eaten today.  I may allowed myself some steamed vegetable dumplings (45 calories each) just to keep my body from going back into starvation mode and keep it burning off this horrible fat on my frame.

This is sic.

When I was in high school, back when I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression.  I tried to kill myself twice, and I was actually put in suicide watch in the hospital for a couple of days.  Not fun.  My depression was so severe that I actually suffered from psychosis in the form of hallucinations, both visual and auditory.  I know that my depression is getting quite, quite bad again when I suffer from hallucinations and these have been happening again.  When I was driving to the supermarket the other day, it looked like the highway sign was waving back and forth, leaving a spectral trail in its path.  I wasn't sure if it was a hallucination or if I was getting an aura for a migraine, but then I got an auditory hallucination as well.  When I get an auditory hallucination, I don't have specific voices talking to me, per se, one telling me that I'm worthless, or a couple telling me to do something or not to do something.  It's like I'm standing in the middle of a party and there's just the din of conversation and I can't make out any one particular voice.  It's awful and it makes me feel absolutely mental.  I've never, ever told anyone in my life other than my therapist about these hallucinations because I know they would think that I was absolutely mad and just write me off.  I don't want that to happen.

So, it's not necessarily because of the EDNOS that I want to go into recovery, but because I know that my depression is getting bad, and it is getting very bad very quickly.  I have been self-harming almost every day and I know that if things continue, it will not be long before I am back on suicide watch.  This sounds very pathetic, but I don't particularly care about harming myself, but I couldn't do that to my boyfriend.  I'm not glorifying myself in any way, saying that I'm irreplaceable, but it would be unfair for him to have to deal with the fallout of my death or my hospitalization or anything like that, and so for his sake, I want to get out of this horrible mental state that I'm in.

I have a hunger high.  I often wonder to myself why I binge when it feels so, so good when I restrict.  I feel happy in a way when I eat less than 500 calories, happier still when I eat less than 300, and elated and accomplished when I eat nothing.

Is...there any way to do recovery and continue losing weight?  It didn't work the last time I was in recovery.  In fact, I gained well on thirty pounds.  Ugh, the thought's enough to make me sick.

Thank you for reading all of my scrambled thoughts.