I was trying to up my calorie intake from 200 cals a day to around 400 because I've started working a second job and I needed the extra energy. It did not go well. I felt so guilty after every dinner I ate that I started purging after dinner more and more regularly (purging is basically what kicked off my ED back in high school). On Friday I blacked out at work so I had some cheese to up my energy, but felt guilty about all of the calories, so I ended up purging that. Then I went out to dinner with a friend and had to pretend to eat normally because all of the taunts of "Gosh, Q, stop being so anorexic" really get on my nerves. I ended up purging that in the restaurant bathroom.
Long story short (too late, I know), both times there were bright streaks of what looked like blood when I purged. I wasn't purging anything particularly tough like chips - it was soft like cheese and egg whites. Needless to say I'm worried. What should I do?? I'm afraid to go to my doctor because she will know that I've relapsed and she will refer me. Plus she will tell my family even though I'm 25 - we've all had the same GP for at least ten years, so she will drop little hints about her being worried about me which will make my family ask questions, and I would really rather that didn't happen. Has this happened to any of you before? I would really love some help right now.
Soooo yeah. Basically for a couple of days after that, eating anything was like eating razor blades, particularly a bit further down around my chest. Diet soda was the worst, or hot sauce. Or anything that was cry. I guess it was a nice reminder that I was a fat ass and shouldn't have been shoving food into my gullet in the first place anyway. I'm fasting today because I don't want to be gaining weight, I want to be losing. I want to be light as a feather and not have my guy struggle to pick me up. I want to be twirled around like a Disney princess and be slender and beautiful. That will not happen if there is food in my belly.
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