Since my last post, I have been in a horrible binge and purge cycle. It's awful and I feel completely run down. I have been having sharp pains in my upper abdomen, lower abdomen, and lower back that keep me up at night. I have sores in my mouth and I know I've been damaging my teeth. I've gained three pounds and I hate myself more than words can express. I've been purging at least five times a day, but sometimes up to ten.
The semester started today which means that I will be out of my parents house. Thank God. I can get back to what I was doing last semester, namely restricting. I can get out of this horrible cycle and start losing weight again. I'm going to step down in order to refrain from bingeing, and I think it will be all right because I will be at work or in class most of the time and will not be around food. The only thing I have to avoid is the stupid vending machines at work. I have an odd love affair with vending machines. I like to just stare at them, seeing what's in them. And if I have cash or change on me, I will absolutely buy stuff out of them. So the solution to this is to not have anything smaller than a $5 bill at any time.
Today and tomorrow I am allowing myself 600-800 calories. It's a lot, I know, but it's not nearly as much as what I was bingeing on. If I'm strict with myself, I don't think I will get up to that. So far today I have had two slices of low calorie toast (80 cal) and half a cup of coffee with creamer (probably about 30 cal).
Please wish me luck. I don't want to be fat.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Yesterday was looking to be such a good day, calorie-wise. Made it to the end of my work shift at 6pm having only eaten about 300 calories. I was going to go home, have some zucchini and call it a day. Nope, wasn't to be so. There is something about my parents' house that tells me to binge. I had to actually laugh aloud when I read Wasted and Marya Hornbacher said the same thing about her parents' house. So I ended up purging twice last night even though my binges are generally "only" anywhere from 500-1000 calories, still leaving me around at my BMR or thereabouts.
Today has been...all right. This morning I purged a cinnamon roll that I stupidly ate, and before lunch my big little brother (long story) offered me some of his French fries. Ugh. If I knew that today were my last day on earth, I would happily gorge myself to death on any and every type of French fry known to man. French fries are my favorite food in the world. I had intended to eat one and I had almost an entire serving, so naturally (yes, naturally, of course) I had to purge those. I never know how to count calories if I've purged during the day, but if I ignore all of my idiotic mistakes, I'm clocking in at 250 calories currently. This includes a full calorie count of the lunch that I did not finish and will finish tonight for dinner. I'm staying at my boyfriend's tonight and possibly for the next couple of days, so I will not have to worry about going home and shoving my face full of everything that's within grabbing distance and that takes a good load off of my shoulder. Sigh of relief?
Today has been...all right. This morning I purged a cinnamon roll that I stupidly ate, and before lunch my big little brother (long story) offered me some of his French fries. Ugh. If I knew that today were my last day on earth, I would happily gorge myself to death on any and every type of French fry known to man. French fries are my favorite food in the world. I had intended to eat one and I had almost an entire serving, so naturally (yes, naturally, of course) I had to purge those. I never know how to count calories if I've purged during the day, but if I ignore all of my idiotic mistakes, I'm clocking in at 250 calories currently. This includes a full calorie count of the lunch that I did not finish and will finish tonight for dinner. I'm staying at my boyfriend's tonight and possibly for the next couple of days, so I will not have to worry about going home and shoving my face full of everything that's within grabbing distance and that takes a good load off of my shoulder. Sigh of relief?
Thursday, December 30, 2010
My tentative plan was to contact my university's eating disorder's clinic when winter session started in January.
I don't want to. I know I need to because I'm getting more and more out of control, walking further and further down this dark path. But i can't bear the thought of gaining weight, of going back to what I looked like before. Maybe one day I'll post pictures.
This last week and a half at home, all I have done is binge and purge. Now...my binges may not be as large as others. I still probably stay below 2,000 or 3,000 a day with most of that ending up in the toilet. I ended up reaching my GW3 of 110 pounds which shocked me, but my weight has been fluctuating wildly between 110 and 115 because all of the purging has made me retain water in the worst way. Yesterday I had a moment that really scared me quite a bit when I was purging. I had binged on a piece of biscotti, some potato chips, soem pretzels and soem bread. All very dry. I thought I had had enough liquid to wash it down, but apparently not. For once stuff started coming up without my really forcing it, and it all got clogged in my throat in a big gummy mess before it came ripping out of my throat. For a bit, it felt like I was suffocating and I honestly thought I was going to choke to death on my own vomit, or that my esophagus was going to rip open and I was going to bleed to death in my bathroom. Afterward, my throat felt mangled and torn apart, so much so that I managed to talk myself out of a cereal binge later that night and just went to bed instead.
Today I haven't eaten. Well, that's a lie. I couldn't sleep last night, as has been the cas really for the last couple of days when I haven't been with my boyfriend because all I do is sit awake and count up all of the calories I have consumed, purge or not. But I woke up and decided to make some cheddar cheese scones for my boyfriend and hairdresser because I was going to see them both today. I 'm an amateur baker and have a little teeny tiny business going on the side as well. Strange, eh, considering I hate eating so much. But I ate one of the cheddar cheese scones right out of the oven, and immediately purged it up and made sure that it was completely gone because there was stomach acid that followed it. That was the only thing that I've eaten today. I may allowed myself some steamed vegetable dumplings (45 calories each) just to keep my body from going back into starvation mode and keep it burning off this horrible fat on my frame.
This is sic.
When I was in high school, back when I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I tried to kill myself twice, and I was actually put in suicide watch in the hospital for a couple of days. Not fun. My depression was so severe that I actually suffered from psychosis in the form of hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I know that my depression is getting quite, quite bad again when I suffer from hallucinations and these have been happening again. When I was driving to the supermarket the other day, it looked like the highway sign was waving back and forth, leaving a spectral trail in its path. I wasn't sure if it was a hallucination or if I was getting an aura for a migraine, but then I got an auditory hallucination as well. When I get an auditory hallucination, I don't have specific voices talking to me, per se, one telling me that I'm worthless, or a couple telling me to do something or not to do something. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a party and there's just the din of conversation and I can't make out any one particular voice. It's awful and it makes me feel absolutely mental. I've never, ever told anyone in my life other than my therapist about these hallucinations because I know they would think that I was absolutely mad and just write me off. I don't want that to happen.
So, it's not necessarily because of the EDNOS that I want to go into recovery, but because I know that my depression is getting bad, and it is getting very bad very quickly. I have been self-harming almost every day and I know that if things continue, it will not be long before I am back on suicide watch. This sounds very pathetic, but I don't particularly care about harming myself, but I couldn't do that to my boyfriend. I'm not glorifying myself in any way, saying that I'm irreplaceable, but it would be unfair for him to have to deal with the fallout of my death or my hospitalization or anything like that, and so for his sake, I want to get out of this horrible mental state that I'm in.
I have a hunger high. I often wonder to myself why I binge when it feels so, so good when I restrict. I feel happy in a way when I eat less than 500 calories, happier still when I eat less than 300, and elated and accomplished when I eat nothing.
Is...there any way to do recovery and continue losing weight? It didn't work the last time I was in recovery. In fact, I gained well on thirty pounds. Ugh, the thought's enough to make me sick.
Thank you for reading all of my scrambled thoughts.
I don't want to. I know I need to because I'm getting more and more out of control, walking further and further down this dark path. But i can't bear the thought of gaining weight, of going back to what I looked like before. Maybe one day I'll post pictures.
This last week and a half at home, all I have done is binge and purge. Now...my binges may not be as large as others. I still probably stay below 2,000 or 3,000 a day with most of that ending up in the toilet. I ended up reaching my GW3 of 110 pounds which shocked me, but my weight has been fluctuating wildly between 110 and 115 because all of the purging has made me retain water in the worst way. Yesterday I had a moment that really scared me quite a bit when I was purging. I had binged on a piece of biscotti, some potato chips, soem pretzels and soem bread. All very dry. I thought I had had enough liquid to wash it down, but apparently not. For once stuff started coming up without my really forcing it, and it all got clogged in my throat in a big gummy mess before it came ripping out of my throat. For a bit, it felt like I was suffocating and I honestly thought I was going to choke to death on my own vomit, or that my esophagus was going to rip open and I was going to bleed to death in my bathroom. Afterward, my throat felt mangled and torn apart, so much so that I managed to talk myself out of a cereal binge later that night and just went to bed instead.
Today I haven't eaten. Well, that's a lie. I couldn't sleep last night, as has been the cas really for the last couple of days when I haven't been with my boyfriend because all I do is sit awake and count up all of the calories I have consumed, purge or not. But I woke up and decided to make some cheddar cheese scones for my boyfriend and hairdresser because I was going to see them both today. I 'm an amateur baker and have a little teeny tiny business going on the side as well. Strange, eh, considering I hate eating so much. But I ate one of the cheddar cheese scones right out of the oven, and immediately purged it up and made sure that it was completely gone because there was stomach acid that followed it. That was the only thing that I've eaten today. I may allowed myself some steamed vegetable dumplings (45 calories each) just to keep my body from going back into starvation mode and keep it burning off this horrible fat on my frame.
This is sic.
When I was in high school, back when I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I tried to kill myself twice, and I was actually put in suicide watch in the hospital for a couple of days. Not fun. My depression was so severe that I actually suffered from psychosis in the form of hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I know that my depression is getting quite, quite bad again when I suffer from hallucinations and these have been happening again. When I was driving to the supermarket the other day, it looked like the highway sign was waving back and forth, leaving a spectral trail in its path. I wasn't sure if it was a hallucination or if I was getting an aura for a migraine, but then I got an auditory hallucination as well. When I get an auditory hallucination, I don't have specific voices talking to me, per se, one telling me that I'm worthless, or a couple telling me to do something or not to do something. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a party and there's just the din of conversation and I can't make out any one particular voice. It's awful and it makes me feel absolutely mental. I've never, ever told anyone in my life other than my therapist about these hallucinations because I know they would think that I was absolutely mad and just write me off. I don't want that to happen.
So, it's not necessarily because of the EDNOS that I want to go into recovery, but because I know that my depression is getting bad, and it is getting very bad very quickly. I have been self-harming almost every day and I know that if things continue, it will not be long before I am back on suicide watch. This sounds very pathetic, but I don't particularly care about harming myself, but I couldn't do that to my boyfriend. I'm not glorifying myself in any way, saying that I'm irreplaceable, but it would be unfair for him to have to deal with the fallout of my death or my hospitalization or anything like that, and so for his sake, I want to get out of this horrible mental state that I'm in.
I have a hunger high. I often wonder to myself why I binge when it feels so, so good when I restrict. I feel happy in a way when I eat less than 500 calories, happier still when I eat less than 300, and elated and accomplished when I eat nothing.
Is...there any way to do recovery and continue losing weight? It didn't work the last time I was in recovery. In fact, I gained well on thirty pounds. Ugh, the thought's enough to make me sick.
Thank you for reading all of my scrambled thoughts.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Yesterday was the worst day that I have had in a very, very long while. I purged seven times. Seven. I know that to some that is not very much, but for me it is. In a normal day, I will purge perhaps three times, maybe up to five if I am feeling particularly stressed out. It was such a bad day, and I was left feeling particularly disgusted with myself. Let me take you through my day.
The morning started out with my boss getting on my case about eating. My boss recently expressed his concern about my eating and I told him that I would be seeking treatment in the new year. I also stressed to him that it was important that I do it on my own terms and in my own time, but my boss is also a nosy asshole and doesn't quite understand that. For breakfast, I eat oatmeal at work every morning at 9:00. This is my routine. I don't like when it is disrupted. Yesterday morning he harassed me for about fifteen minutes about putting real sugar into my oatmeal instead of Splenda. Why the hell would I do that? I understand that you're concerned, but understand that nagging me about what I'm eating is only going to compound the problem, make it fifty times worse, and make me toss out the oatmeal instead of eating it. And believe me, when one is restricting as heavily as I am (400 calories a day), 140 calories makes quite a difference. Would you like that on your head?
So now all of that attention is drawn to what I'm eating for breakfast when normally I like to hunch over in my own little corner of work and eat my oatmeal slowly and quietly with my own additions to it: lots of cinnamon to boost my metabolism, and lots of sugar to make me feel satisfied. But that's blown.
There was a work holiday party that we walked over to at around 11:00. It was potluck and it was served buffet style. Panic. Can you think of any worse situation for someone with EDNOS to be in? I certainly can't. Having to stand in line with fifty other people in the room, worrying about who is watching you fill your plate, judging what you're eating, worrying about who is thinking you're fat because you've picked up one too many rolls or put just a bit too much hummus on your plate. I forced myself to put food I wouldn't normally eat on my plate because I don't want my boyfriend (who has been enormously helpful and supportive) to worry, and because I wanted to appear as normal as possible to my coworkers. I grabbed a quarter of a cup of three bean salad, a tortilla chip, a piece of cheese bread (!), two pieces of sushi, and a boiled carrot. This is a lot for me. I was in the middle of crossing the room to grab a diet Coke when my stupid bitch of a peer cranes her neck quite obviously to look at my plate as I was passing by, scrutinizing everything that was on my plate. Then she said, very loudly, "just checking to make sure that you're eating!" In front of a room full of people, half of whom I don't know. Lovely. Great. Way to make me feel normal and comforted. Fuck you.
I go to sit down at the table where all of my coworkers and friends are sitting, and one of my coworkers asks me about how long I've been vegetarian (nearly seven years). My boss takes this as his cue to the entire table, several times over, jokingly "oh, Q just doesn't eat. No Q just doesn't eat at all. Well Q just doesn't eat, look at her! She just doesn't eat." Great, wonderful. Food in my mouth is sawdust. Pardon me, I have to go purge. Purge #1.
I don't stay away long because I know that if I do, then the jokes about "hey, did the food stay down after the meal" will start. And guess what, they did. I had to leave before I started yelling at someone, so my boyfriend and I walked back to my building. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. I've had a lot of coffee and tea today, I say. Purge #2. Get the food out of me, I can't stand it. I hate it.
I'm deeply upset and angry at this point. What right do all of these people have to meddle and embarrass me at such a large function? If you are genuinely concerned and have any modicum of respect for me, you would pull me aside and say something, wait for an appropriate time. You would not embarrass me in front of strangers. So after my shift was over, I went to my boyfriend's house to decompress. I tried to make myself have a snack because I really, truly am trying to get better. I had some PB2 (45 cal) and told myself I was only going to have 5 saltines to go along with it (60 cal). 20 saltines later and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Lots and lots of coffee and tea, I say. Purge #3 in my boyfriend's toilet. How fucked up.
I go back to work, well and determined not to purge anymore today. My stomach is already in serious pain and my liver feels like it's going to tear itself into pieces. But the flip in my brain has already occurred and I'm well on my way into binge mode now. I grab a pot of Cheerios and a bag of bar-b-que Fritos from the convenience shop and scarf them down while I'm in the office. Run to the bathroom. Purge #4. I manage to pull myself together after that. I think it's out of my system.
Oh shit. Dinner with my boyfriend and his roommates? That's okay, we're going out to get sushi. I can handle that. I've started eating a little bit of fish since I've been so vitamin deprived, but not too much because, after years of being vegetarian, it really does tear my stomach to shreds if I eat too much. So we go out to dinner, I'm eating along with everyone else, but not too much. I avoid the oysters, I avoid the fish head (because ew, gross). And then his roommates start in on me. "You know, I never see Q eat. Q doesn't eat. Nope, never see Q eat." Despite the fact that they've just fucking sat across from me and seen me eat. Also starting in on me is the girl to whom I've confessed about my eating disorder, to whom I've told about my extreme restricting because I had to tell someone. The girl who knows that some days I don't eat anything at all, and on good days I may allow myself to eat up to 600 calories, still well short of the 2000 that I should be consuming per day. And she joined in merrily, teasing and joking maliciously about how I wasn't eating, correcting me when I said that I do eat. At this point my boyfriend was as livid as I was, particularly as he knew the day that I had been having.
I had to leave early to go babysit, but made a quick pit stop at the bathroom before I left. Get rid of the sushi, get rid of the mushrooms, get rid of the salad. Purge #5.
Got to my babysitting job. Boys were all asleep, all I had to do was keep an ear out to make sure nothing was amiss. God, I wish that they were awake so I could have run after them. I lost my bloody mind. I'm deeply, deeply ashamed to admit that I went on a binge in a house that was not mine. Raided my neighbor's closet and ate half a bag of veggie sticks, Triscuits, nuts, two NutriGrain bars, a massive slice of whole grain bread with soem apple butter, then purged it all out in their toilet along with the french fries I'd scarfed when I got home just before heading over to their house. Purge #6. What fucked up person binges on someone else's food that they spent their hard-earned money to buy, that they use to feed their three children, and then promptly tosses it back into their toilet, befouling their house?
I run home, still crazed, scarf down a cinnamon roll that my mom had made earlier this week. More French fries. Soem bread. Some pretzels. And then I throw it up in my bathroom so forcefully that vomit and toilet water splatter back up onto me, onto the bathroom floor. Purge #7. I am so thoroughly sick with myself at this point that I want to die. I take my prescription for the night and hope that it kills my liver so that I can just die in my sleep and put myself and everyone else out of my misery. I know I have to go into recovery and I know that party of me really, really wants to. The other part of me just wants to lie down and never get back up again because dealing with people and their selfishness and evilness is too fucking hard and I'm sick of it.
Right now I hate the world. If you've read through all of this, I appreciate it. I know that it was massively long and whiney.
The morning started out with my boss getting on my case about eating. My boss recently expressed his concern about my eating and I told him that I would be seeking treatment in the new year. I also stressed to him that it was important that I do it on my own terms and in my own time, but my boss is also a nosy asshole and doesn't quite understand that. For breakfast, I eat oatmeal at work every morning at 9:00. This is my routine. I don't like when it is disrupted. Yesterday morning he harassed me for about fifteen minutes about putting real sugar into my oatmeal instead of Splenda. Why the hell would I do that? I understand that you're concerned, but understand that nagging me about what I'm eating is only going to compound the problem, make it fifty times worse, and make me toss out the oatmeal instead of eating it. And believe me, when one is restricting as heavily as I am (400 calories a day), 140 calories makes quite a difference. Would you like that on your head?
So now all of that attention is drawn to what I'm eating for breakfast when normally I like to hunch over in my own little corner of work and eat my oatmeal slowly and quietly with my own additions to it: lots of cinnamon to boost my metabolism, and lots of sugar to make me feel satisfied. But that's blown.
There was a work holiday party that we walked over to at around 11:00. It was potluck and it was served buffet style. Panic. Can you think of any worse situation for someone with EDNOS to be in? I certainly can't. Having to stand in line with fifty other people in the room, worrying about who is watching you fill your plate, judging what you're eating, worrying about who is thinking you're fat because you've picked up one too many rolls or put just a bit too much hummus on your plate. I forced myself to put food I wouldn't normally eat on my plate because I don't want my boyfriend (who has been enormously helpful and supportive) to worry, and because I wanted to appear as normal as possible to my coworkers. I grabbed a quarter of a cup of three bean salad, a tortilla chip, a piece of cheese bread (!), two pieces of sushi, and a boiled carrot. This is a lot for me. I was in the middle of crossing the room to grab a diet Coke when my stupid bitch of a peer cranes her neck quite obviously to look at my plate as I was passing by, scrutinizing everything that was on my plate. Then she said, very loudly, "just checking to make sure that you're eating!" In front of a room full of people, half of whom I don't know. Lovely. Great. Way to make me feel normal and comforted. Fuck you.
I go to sit down at the table where all of my coworkers and friends are sitting, and one of my coworkers asks me about how long I've been vegetarian (nearly seven years). My boss takes this as his cue to the entire table, several times over, jokingly "oh, Q just doesn't eat. No Q just doesn't eat at all. Well Q just doesn't eat, look at her! She just doesn't eat." Great, wonderful. Food in my mouth is sawdust. Pardon me, I have to go purge. Purge #1.
I don't stay away long because I know that if I do, then the jokes about "hey, did the food stay down after the meal" will start. And guess what, they did. I had to leave before I started yelling at someone, so my boyfriend and I walked back to my building. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. I've had a lot of coffee and tea today, I say. Purge #2. Get the food out of me, I can't stand it. I hate it.
I'm deeply upset and angry at this point. What right do all of these people have to meddle and embarrass me at such a large function? If you are genuinely concerned and have any modicum of respect for me, you would pull me aside and say something, wait for an appropriate time. You would not embarrass me in front of strangers. So after my shift was over, I went to my boyfriend's house to decompress. I tried to make myself have a snack because I really, truly am trying to get better. I had some PB2 (45 cal) and told myself I was only going to have 5 saltines to go along with it (60 cal). 20 saltines later and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Lots and lots of coffee and tea, I say. Purge #3 in my boyfriend's toilet. How fucked up.
I go back to work, well and determined not to purge anymore today. My stomach is already in serious pain and my liver feels like it's going to tear itself into pieces. But the flip in my brain has already occurred and I'm well on my way into binge mode now. I grab a pot of Cheerios and a bag of bar-b-que Fritos from the convenience shop and scarf them down while I'm in the office. Run to the bathroom. Purge #4. I manage to pull myself together after that. I think it's out of my system.
Oh shit. Dinner with my boyfriend and his roommates? That's okay, we're going out to get sushi. I can handle that. I've started eating a little bit of fish since I've been so vitamin deprived, but not too much because, after years of being vegetarian, it really does tear my stomach to shreds if I eat too much. So we go out to dinner, I'm eating along with everyone else, but not too much. I avoid the oysters, I avoid the fish head (because ew, gross). And then his roommates start in on me. "You know, I never see Q eat. Q doesn't eat. Nope, never see Q eat." Despite the fact that they've just fucking sat across from me and seen me eat. Also starting in on me is the girl to whom I've confessed about my eating disorder, to whom I've told about my extreme restricting because I had to tell someone. The girl who knows that some days I don't eat anything at all, and on good days I may allow myself to eat up to 600 calories, still well short of the 2000 that I should be consuming per day. And she joined in merrily, teasing and joking maliciously about how I wasn't eating, correcting me when I said that I do eat. At this point my boyfriend was as livid as I was, particularly as he knew the day that I had been having.
I had to leave early to go babysit, but made a quick pit stop at the bathroom before I left. Get rid of the sushi, get rid of the mushrooms, get rid of the salad. Purge #5.
Got to my babysitting job. Boys were all asleep, all I had to do was keep an ear out to make sure nothing was amiss. God, I wish that they were awake so I could have run after them. I lost my bloody mind. I'm deeply, deeply ashamed to admit that I went on a binge in a house that was not mine. Raided my neighbor's closet and ate half a bag of veggie sticks, Triscuits, nuts, two NutriGrain bars, a massive slice of whole grain bread with soem apple butter, then purged it all out in their toilet along with the french fries I'd scarfed when I got home just before heading over to their house. Purge #6. What fucked up person binges on someone else's food that they spent their hard-earned money to buy, that they use to feed their three children, and then promptly tosses it back into their toilet, befouling their house?
I run home, still crazed, scarf down a cinnamon roll that my mom had made earlier this week. More French fries. Soem bread. Some pretzels. And then I throw it up in my bathroom so forcefully that vomit and toilet water splatter back up onto me, onto the bathroom floor. Purge #7. I am so thoroughly sick with myself at this point that I want to die. I take my prescription for the night and hope that it kills my liver so that I can just die in my sleep and put myself and everyone else out of my misery. I know I have to go into recovery and I know that party of me really, really wants to. The other part of me just wants to lie down and never get back up again because dealing with people and their selfishness and evilness is too fucking hard and I'm sick of it.
Right now I hate the world. If you've read through all of this, I appreciate it. I know that it was massively long and whiney.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Purge
Wow. Yesterday was horrible. Absolutely horrible. And I feel horrible today as a result.
Yesterday was a purge day. Purging in every sense of the word.
I've gained two pounds. From eating more than I usually have. Maybe up to 500 calories a day. What a disgusting blob. I absolutely hate myself.
Yesterday I started out by eating two egg whites with my usual reduced sugar ketchup/hot sauce combination (40 calories). Then of course I had to top it off by eating a slice of the pumpkin bread that I made. It was super healthy pumpkin bread made without oil or sugar and with whole wheat bread, but still... (60 cals). I purged it back up before going to the gym. During my first serious bout with EDNOS, most of my purging came from exercise. That came back full force yesterday. I spent an hour and a half on the cross trainer, went for five miles and burned almost 500 calories. I thought that would be good enough. I would burn way more than I would eat that day and everything would get back on track, right? Absolutely wrong.
May I just say that I think it's completely unfair that the lighter you are, the more difficult it is to burn calories? Unfair.
When I got back from the gym, I was hungry. So instead of being strong, I had a slice of bread (35 cals), half a serving of potato chips (60cals), and three tortilla chips (60 cals). What is wrong with me? Back to the bathroom to purge before I took a shower.
Anyway, I had to go out to lunch for a friend's birthday and of course we went to a Mexican restaurant. Is there anything healthy to eat at a Mexican restaurant? The answer is no. I went for the healthiest thing on the menu which was the vegetable fajitas, ordered it without cheese, sour cream or guacamole. But still, the vegetables were swimming in oil and grease...disgusting. Instead of eating the flour tortillas, I used them to soak the grease off of the vegetables before eating them with lettuce. Still, I could just feel the grease congealing in my body...back to the bathroom. Purge number three for the day. Number of calories consumed at lunch? I have absolutely no idea.
Stopped at the mall on my way down to work to return a sweater because I have the shoulders of a linebacker. But I did buy a size 2 pair of jeans. I am now down from the size 10 that I was back in July. How do I celebrate? By buying candy corn from Target. Yes, really fucking brilliant of me. Two servings of candy corn in the car on the way down to work (300 cals) and then a sprint to the bathroom to get rid of it as soon as I get to work. Ineffective, I know, as sugar is one of the first things absorbed by the body. Purge number four. My throat is on fire at this point and my stomach is one enormous cramp. I am hating myself and I am at a foul mood at work. I claim feeling sick to my stomach and garner everyone's sympathy.
Dinner is two portabella mushrooms with hot sauce that burns on the way down my raw throat (50 cals) and I am satisfied until I hit the 8:30 point in the evening. This is always the worst as I still have an our and a half left in my shift and I get "hungry." There is a vending machine down the hall. I walk to it because I am a disgusting, fat blob. I buy a bag of baked Lays. I eat the baked Lays (120 cals). AT this point I absolutely hate myself, but cannot bring myself to purge for a fifth time in fear that I will bring up blood the way that I did last week. By the time I get home, my stomach is in a knot and I want to do nothing but lay in bed and cut until my sheets are stained with red. Instead I put my exercise clothes on and go into the basement and do an hour of Tae Bo. I burn 600 calories, drink senna tea, and finally stumble into bed at 12:30. I have to be up and out of bed at 5:30 to return to work this morning and now I just feel drained spiritually and physically. So far all I have eaten are three bran crispbreads, (36 cals), one with a tablespoon of PB2 (25cals). All I will have for the rest of the day is a salad (30 cals the way I make mine up) and the other two crispbreads I packed (24 cals). I will walk up and down stairs while I wait for my afternoon work meeting. I will get rid of these two pounds and begin losing again. I will not go over 200 calories again. I will clean myself out.
I am pathetic.
Yesterday was a purge day. Purging in every sense of the word.
I've gained two pounds. From eating more than I usually have. Maybe up to 500 calories a day. What a disgusting blob. I absolutely hate myself.
Yesterday I started out by eating two egg whites with my usual reduced sugar ketchup/hot sauce combination (40 calories). Then of course I had to top it off by eating a slice of the pumpkin bread that I made. It was super healthy pumpkin bread made without oil or sugar and with whole wheat bread, but still... (60 cals). I purged it back up before going to the gym. During my first serious bout with EDNOS, most of my purging came from exercise. That came back full force yesterday. I spent an hour and a half on the cross trainer, went for five miles and burned almost 500 calories. I thought that would be good enough. I would burn way more than I would eat that day and everything would get back on track, right? Absolutely wrong.
May I just say that I think it's completely unfair that the lighter you are, the more difficult it is to burn calories? Unfair.
When I got back from the gym, I was hungry. So instead of being strong, I had a slice of bread (35 cals), half a serving of potato chips (60cals), and three tortilla chips (60 cals). What is wrong with me? Back to the bathroom to purge before I took a shower.
Anyway, I had to go out to lunch for a friend's birthday and of course we went to a Mexican restaurant. Is there anything healthy to eat at a Mexican restaurant? The answer is no. I went for the healthiest thing on the menu which was the vegetable fajitas, ordered it without cheese, sour cream or guacamole. But still, the vegetables were swimming in oil and grease...disgusting. Instead of eating the flour tortillas, I used them to soak the grease off of the vegetables before eating them with lettuce. Still, I could just feel the grease congealing in my body...back to the bathroom. Purge number three for the day. Number of calories consumed at lunch? I have absolutely no idea.
Stopped at the mall on my way down to work to return a sweater because I have the shoulders of a linebacker. But I did buy a size 2 pair of jeans. I am now down from the size 10 that I was back in July. How do I celebrate? By buying candy corn from Target. Yes, really fucking brilliant of me. Two servings of candy corn in the car on the way down to work (300 cals) and then a sprint to the bathroom to get rid of it as soon as I get to work. Ineffective, I know, as sugar is one of the first things absorbed by the body. Purge number four. My throat is on fire at this point and my stomach is one enormous cramp. I am hating myself and I am at a foul mood at work. I claim feeling sick to my stomach and garner everyone's sympathy.
Dinner is two portabella mushrooms with hot sauce that burns on the way down my raw throat (50 cals) and I am satisfied until I hit the 8:30 point in the evening. This is always the worst as I still have an our and a half left in my shift and I get "hungry." There is a vending machine down the hall. I walk to it because I am a disgusting, fat blob. I buy a bag of baked Lays. I eat the baked Lays (120 cals). AT this point I absolutely hate myself, but cannot bring myself to purge for a fifth time in fear that I will bring up blood the way that I did last week. By the time I get home, my stomach is in a knot and I want to do nothing but lay in bed and cut until my sheets are stained with red. Instead I put my exercise clothes on and go into the basement and do an hour of Tae Bo. I burn 600 calories, drink senna tea, and finally stumble into bed at 12:30. I have to be up and out of bed at 5:30 to return to work this morning and now I just feel drained spiritually and physically. So far all I have eaten are three bran crispbreads, (36 cals), one with a tablespoon of PB2 (25cals). All I will have for the rest of the day is a salad (30 cals the way I make mine up) and the other two crispbreads I packed (24 cals). I will walk up and down stairs while I wait for my afternoon work meeting. I will get rid of these two pounds and begin losing again. I will not go over 200 calories again. I will clean myself out.
I am pathetic.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Ouch
So what's been going on here? I'll just x-post a question I posted on PT rather than re-write the whole story:
Soooo yeah. Basically for a couple of days after that, eating anything was like eating razor blades, particularly a bit further down around my chest. Diet soda was the worst, or hot sauce. Or anything that was cry. I guess it was a nice reminder that I was a fat ass and shouldn't have been shoving food into my gullet in the first place anyway. I'm fasting today because I don't want to be gaining weight, I want to be losing. I want to be light as a feather and not have my guy struggle to pick me up. I want to be twirled around like a Disney princess and be slender and beautiful. That will not happen if there is food in my belly.
I was trying to up my calorie intake from 200 cals a day to around 400 because I've started working a second job and I needed the extra energy. It did not go well. I felt so guilty after every dinner I ate that I started purging after dinner more and more regularly (purging is basically what kicked off my ED back in high school). On Friday I blacked out at work so I had some cheese to up my energy, but felt guilty about all of the calories, so I ended up purging that. Then I went out to dinner with a friend and had to pretend to eat normally because all of the taunts of "Gosh, Q, stop being so anorexic" really get on my nerves. I ended up purging that in the restaurant bathroom.
Long story short (too late, I know), both times there were bright streaks of what looked like blood when I purged. I wasn't purging anything particularly tough like chips - it was soft like cheese and egg whites. Needless to say I'm worried. What should I do?? I'm afraid to go to my doctor because she will know that I've relapsed and she will refer me. Plus she will tell my family even though I'm 25 - we've all had the same GP for at least ten years, so she will drop little hints about her being worried about me which will make my family ask questions, and I would really rather that didn't happen. Has this happened to any of you before? I would really love some help right now.
Soooo yeah. Basically for a couple of days after that, eating anything was like eating razor blades, particularly a bit further down around my chest. Diet soda was the worst, or hot sauce. Or anything that was cry. I guess it was a nice reminder that I was a fat ass and shouldn't have been shoving food into my gullet in the first place anyway. I'm fasting today because I don't want to be gaining weight, I want to be losing. I want to be light as a feather and not have my guy struggle to pick me up. I want to be twirled around like a Disney princess and be slender and beautiful. That will not happen if there is food in my belly.
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